Sometimes life tests us to see if we laugh, cry, scream, sue, bat our eyelashes or flip it off. Sometimes I just go tharn. (Read Watership Down to understand this phenomenon.) It’s like the time I found myself a third of the way down an icy blue run — except I wasn’t skiing, I was sitting on my side with the edge of my skis firmly planted in the snow, watching as various people dipped down the slope past me. My friends were long gone at this point, and while I knew I didn’t want to go down the hill, I wasn’t sure if I could go up the hill or even sideways across it. So I just sat there for a good ten minutes, hoping for some giant bird to swoop out of the sky and carry me to safety. Even the ski patrol in a snowmobile would have been acceptable at that point. But no such luck. I ultimately ended up removing my skis and clamboring back up the slope myself with skis and poles in both hands. I then went down the the much longer (and much easier) run on the other side of the hill. It must have taken me more than half an hour to get back to the lodge. I was furious with myself. But why? I guess I could have made a better decision, to not go down that run in the first place. Once I was already partway down, I could have tried to get to the bottom slowly. Perhaps getting to the bottom would have helped me overcome that fear of steep hills. Of course, there is always the potential that I could have rebusted my knee. I didn’t regret my decision but it still bugged me.
It seems next to impossible to weigh the risks involved in making life changing decisions. One can make a list, (a spreadsheet, even, Superstar!) but there are so many unknowns and variables along the way that can turn even a well-planned life upside down. I usually try to make the best decision with the information I have; I’ve just never had so little information before. I have a friend who used to be able to find all kinds of secret messages hidden throughout the city — on building bricks, on bridges, spraypainted on sewer covers. Whether he discovered any of life’s secrets in those messages I’m not sure, but I could use a sign, any sign, right about now.
