Pulp Fairytales
by J. Mignone
Once upon time in a land not too far away from here, a patient maiden named Princess Onemorechance was trying to find her man, Prince Mustsavethekingdom. She had sent numerous letters via pigeon and messenger boy, and, after ensuring that neither the pigeons nor messenger boys were being eaten by dragons enroute, became convinced that her man was just too busy saving the kingdom again. She consulted her close friends.
“Oh he’s getting your messages,” said Maiden Itoldyouso, “it’s just that you know, making sure the drawbridge is well oiled is more important than you.”
Maiden Getanewone agreed. “It’s not like he can’t send the troops to battle and then take two seconds out of his busy day to pen you a one-liner and send it back. He just doesn’t care enough.”
“Well I don’t know,” said Princess Onemorechance, “I think he just doesn’t understand that he doesn’t have to save the kingdom in solitude. I’m going to give him one more chance.”
That evening, the princess baked a minced meat pie and carried it all the way to Prince Mustsavethekingdom’s castle. The drawbridge was up and there were no guards in sight.
“Helloooooo!” she yelled from the edge of the moat. She waited for a while, then set the pie down and started throwing rocks at the nearest window. “Are you there?!”
From the topmost window, a small figure peered out. “What are you doing down there?” said Prince Mustsavethekingdom. Princess Onemorechance picked up the pie and showed it to him. He disappeared from the window and the drawbridge started to lower. Princess Onemorechance rolled her eyes, lifted her skirt slightly with her free hand, and walked into the castle.
When she got inside, Prince Mustsavethekingdom was running from table to table with no tunic on, half-shaved, and wearing tights with holes in embarrassing places. “I was sure you had been killed by mercenaries this time,” Princess Onemorechance said to him. “Here, I made you a pie.”
“Oh thanks,” he said, grabbing it and throwing it over his shoulder. Princess Onemorechance tried to look around him to see where it landed, but it must have sunk into the huge pile of papers on the stone floor.
“Look,” she said, “I was wondering-”
“Man, I have just been so busy,” Prince Mustsavethekingdom interrupted, “I’ve been waiting for that new shipment of armor all day, and it still hasn’t arrived, and I had to follow up on two sieges we planned today on the western coast, and I’m still negotiating that territory deal with King Haventgotallday, and I’m drafting seven new laws that are to go into effect at midnight tonight, and then you know there’s always this kingdom I have to save. How was your day by the way?”
“Well today I-”
“Uh huh, really,” he said, cutting her off. “Oh and I have to hold council at two different castles tomorrow and I haven’t even started preparing for that.” Princess Onemorechance suddenly decided that her day was probably irrelevant and let it drop.
“I know you are busy,” she said, “but sometimes I just want to sit by you and read while you save the kingdom.”
Prince Mustsavethekingdom stalled for a moment, then walked to the window and opened the shutter, letting a gust of wind blow through his long hair. He pointed to the moon.
“But I have wars to fight and laws to write and fortunes to reap — so you have to go now, to your tower, and be safe while I concentrate on saving the kingdom.”
Princess Onemorechance slammed the shutters closed. Prince Mustsavethekingdom put his arm down and looked at her glumly. “Really,” she answered, “and how am I interfering with the saving of the kingdom by sitting here?”
“Well, uh….”
“All those wonderful deeds you’re doing, and people you’re helping, and empires you’re building — what do you think those consist of? People locked away in towers by themselves? They’re made up of happy people who want love and friendship and companionship, just the same as you and me. You can’t create kingdoms by pushing people away. And anyhow, all I want do is sit here while you save the kingdom so I can read my murder mystery.”
“Oh,” he said.
The next day, Prince Mustsavethekingdom was battling dragons and writing laws and ruling armies, and Princess Onemorechance was on the fourth chapter of “Who Killed King Uberbusy?” Sometimes she went out for groceries and sometimes there was good lovin’, but the kingdom was still being saved.
To be continued…
