“If she wins the face off, where do you go?”
“I don’t know.”
“If she loses the face off, what do you do?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you know anything?”
“Well I have this masters degree that proves I know something; I’m just not sure how to apply it to hockey.”
It’s one of those days. You’re on top of someone the entire scrimmage and then the whistle blows and you get yelled at for following the wrong person around. “But you just told me to stay on her.” “No, you’re supposed to follow the person at the point.” “So do I follow her or her?” “HER.” Pointing with his stick. “Do you understand?” “Yes.” “Are you sure?” “Sure I’m sure.” His face is flushed pink and he’s mad. I stare at the back of his sweatshirt that’s soaked from an earlier fall.
She skates all over the freaking place. You just said I can’t go past the top of the circle, but she’s all over the place. I suppose if she skates off a cliff I should go too? Breathe a sigh of frustration. The good thing is the new opposing left winger is just as confused as me, and to top it off she’s got a skate in every corner. Face off again. Signal the other coach over and ask why I’m going for right D instead of left D. “That’s where me playing goalie for years doesn’t help me in this situation. I don’t know anything about this structure.” Great.
“Where do I go if she wins the face off?”
“You just go wherever the puck goes.”
Now I want to go wherever he goes and pummel the snot out of him. But I don’t. Skate around for 30 seconds before he blows the whistle again. Face off. Stop. “You need to start moving as soon as my arm goes down to drop the puck.” “Moving where?” “Anywhere.” “Even if I don’t know which way it’s going to go?” “Believe me, you need to start moving, because the puck moves a lot faster than you.” Get laughed at. Oh now I am going to hit you in the shins.
Hockey makes you think violent thoughts, but most of the time you just end up getting bypassed by someone who skates a lot better than you. So in that respect, it becomes a pretty mild sport, with the most exciting moments occurring when you finally get the puck and then stumble over your own skates and fall in a heap. Why do I do this? It must be because of how cool I look when I put my sunglasses on after practice.
